11 May 2011

If you _________ then I'll ___________.

"Lily... Please suck on this totally awesome and slightly ridiculous pacifier for Mommy... Just long enough for Mommy to take a picture..."

"Mommy, I'd rather not, but anything for you. If you are fast enough."

"Lily, since you were so nice and let Mommy take that picture, Mommy is going to buy you a new pair of shoes!"

"Just make sure they are cute and comfy, Mom."

Thank you.

That is all.


10 May 2011

Mother's Day, Moving, and More

For the last eight years, Mother's Day has sucked. I'm not talking flat tire sucked or even broken arm sucked. I mean the kind of hurt that feels like your soul is being torn from your body very slowly to cause the most pain possible. It seemed like the entire day was centered around reminding me that I not only was denied the only thing I wanted but also that people who didn't want it could have it every single damn day.

It was a day for reminding me that I was broken and no one knew why or how or what. It was a day to remind me that "sometimes things just happen". Three times. Every pregnancy was scarier than the last. Every moment that should have been exciting and full of anticipation was instead overrun with fear and apprehension. Every end was worse than the last. Every complication was more dangerous than the one before. Every passing Mother's Day reminded me that I was a year older and still a failure. My own body was killing my dreams.

My mom is a great person to have around in the moment of crisis. She is the person I need when things go pear-shaped. Two days later... get her the hell away from me until I have gotten to a better frame of mind. "These things happen for a reason." "Maybe your body is just waiting for the perfect one." "Think of all those babies that don't have parents." My responses? "I'd dearly love to hear that reason," "They were all perfect," and "Yes, Mom. Think of all those babies. Their parents didn't want them, and yet they were able to have them. I want one and it seems I can't reproduce to save my soul... Thanks for that reminder."

Every person I knew was having babies and to add insult to injury half of them were upset about it or had said to me that they never wanted to have kids. Some of them were truly happy. I wanted to be happy for them. I tried to be happy for them. I hated them. It got to the point that my friends were afraid to tell me they were pregnant. My best friend from high school waited until she was six months pregnant to tell anyone because she was afraid I would be mad. When she told me it was like she was breaking the news that my favorite grandparent had passed away. I wanted to shake her. I wasn't mad at her. I couldn't blame her though. She was tiptoeing because my actions warranted it.

I was scared out of my mind when I found out I was pregnant with Lily. After an obscene amount of blood work following the last miscarriage they still didn't know what was wrong with me, and that one had come very close to killing me. I spent every single day trying not to get attached and trying not to be happy. The date for the first ultrasound came and I was prepared to see nothing. The silly little intern with the Doppler couldn't find the heartbeat. This was not a shock. There was never a heartbeat. They all died. My doctor came in and mashed around until this amazing little whooshing came loud and clear over the speaker. In the most triumphant manner possible he proclaimed, "That is your offspring!" Sure enough. That was my offspring. I cried. I cried a little because I was so happy and it was amazing. I cried more because in my mind it was just going to make it harder to lose this baby.

Every ultrasound I expected the worst, but there she was... every time. A friend of mine had gotten pregnant about 2 months before me. When she was in the middle of her eighth month she miscarried. It was her second late term miscarriage. My heart hurt for her and the panic set in. I had been lulled into a false sense of security. I had passed the mark. I had made it to the third trimester. Miscarriages are so much less likely then... but it can happen. Hysteria swept over me and I didn't sleep until exhaustion knocked me over. I made myself as busy as humanly possible and did absolutely NOTHING that could have hurt her. She had a name. I could not lose her.

My water broke at 1:30 in the morning two weeks early and 21 hours later I still hadn't had her. My labor was not progressing. My mind went to horrible places like maybe losing her now was going to be retribution for all of the awful things I had thought when other people were having kids. Maybe I hadn't lost her because I was going to die in childbirth. Maybe... maybe... I didn't tell anyone any of this. I couldn't. They were so happy. My husband was so nervous. To the outside world I was calm, collected, and smiling. That should have been a clue.

She was born. We were fine.

I spent the next month a neurotic mess. There was literally someone awake 24 hours a day in our house. I was convinced that if she was asleep and someone wasn't watching her, she would die in her sleep. I know. Crazy. I get that. I own it. I wasn't the woman who wouldn't let anyone hold her or even the one who wouldn't lay her on the floor to play... I just had to watch her... so she wouldn't die.

I still worry that I am going to wake up one morning and she is going to have been a dream. I still worry that I will wake up and someone will be saying "crib death" to me. On the other hand I am enjoying every single moment and every single smile.

Mother's Day came and she had to go to the doctor. Pneumonia. Funny how that diagnosis shares a lot of letters with neurotic... My mom got strep throat and an ear infection. My darling man is still in TX with what appears to be a nasty case of food poisoning. Mother's Day could have been crap, but I had waited far too long for it. My poor sweet sick girl didn't feel well and only wanted Mommy cuddles. Every time she snuggled her face into my shoulder and put her hand on my arm to go to sleep I did my best to burn it into my memory. It was worth it. She was worth it. If all of that is what it took to get her... bring it all on again.

My friend... the one that miscarried in her eighth month, adopted a little girl. They found out they were getting her on the day Lily was born. She's a couple months younger than Lily and possibly one of the most loved children in this world. They decided not to try again. I don't know that I could have made that decision. I'm too selfish. I am so glad that there are people who adopt. I'm adopted. God knows I think it is an absolutely amazing thing... I wanted my own. I needed her. I may be broken, but I'm certainly not going to be able to do it if I don't try.

We are trying. We have been trying since January. The trying part is fun. The negative pregnancy tests are not fun. Last month I was seven days late. No go. Seven days! Who does that? The month before I was five days late... seven still feels like more of an insult. I'm scared. Yes, Lily is here and happy and healthy, but what if she is a fluke? What if she was a gift for perseverance and now I'm being greedy? What if... What if?

I miss the hubbs. He's his own brand of crazy, but he calms mine. Two weeks is too long. He is finishing up his semester and heading here. I feel bad because I think I end every conversation with "come home now." I don't mean it. I just feel it. We function better together. We are a good team. I like that. I like that a lot. We have so many friends that are married and don't hardly even like their spouses... It's weird. He's my best friend.

So yeah... He needs to come home and we need to move. Right now Lily and I are staying with my parents. It's really not bad. Really. The only two hang-ups seem to be that everyone is sick and my entire hometown is underwater. Seriously. My whole family is there with the sole exceptions being my parents. They are safe and sound. Well, they are as sound as they were before the flooding anyway. My dad on the other hand... not so much. He's here and physically fine, but worried out of his mind about the rest of them and there is nothing he can do about any of it. This is normal. I get that. Please don't take your frustrations out on me.

The man has a way of reducing me to tears in a half a sentence. I am damn-near thirty. How can one sentence/ look/ unidentified noise reduce me to a sixteen year old idiot with only two braincells rubbing together? Yeah. It's not been pretty. I know that he doesn't do it intentionally. I would like to exclaim that every question or conversation starter is not an open argument or act of defiance, but that wouldn't help. I'll get over it. Bygones.

Ally McBeal by the way. Love it. Who knew? I hate when I fall for a show that I swore up and down I would never watch. It's hilarious. Completely enjoyable. Not too heavy, not too fluffy. Fabulous. (at least the first season has been.)

I have been working on Lily's scrapbook. I am beginning to believe I have a few unresolved emotional issues. I have done May '10-July '10 and had to stop for August because every time I thought about captions for the pictures I got hysterical. My father passed away two days before my birthday, when Lily was six months old. August was the first time he ever held Lily. It is the only photograph I have of him in the last decade. I'm having a hard time with it. The "tougher than that" kid in me keeps slapping little miss "obliviously optimistic and sentimental" and neither are winning. I am taking a break from scrapbooking.

I suppose I'm back to making tons of baby clothes. Like she doesn't have enough. I am toying with the idea of opening my etsy shop back up and filling it with dresses and tutus and such, but... that's scary.

Why am I not asleep?

Sweet dreams.

16 April 2011

Rock on... and on...

and on...

So ask me what super awesome crafty thing I did today. Yeah... Nothing. We went grocery shopping and hung out with some friends. That was awesome. Steak, lots of laughs, and Tangled make for a great night.

I love that movie by the way. I could watch it over and over. I really expected to hate it, but I loves it. The hubbs and I went to see it while it was still in the theater. We bought it the day it came out. This makes viewing number 5 in a week. It is wonderful. "Frying pans... Who knew?!?!"

Lily Bear was a dream boat today. I love that girl. It is always a bizarre moment for me when I hear words coming out of my mouth that drive home the point that I am finally a mother. For example? Since you asked... "She hasn't peed since 2:00? That's five hours! Is she ok?" She is in fact ok. She peed about 15 mins after I called and spoke to a nurse in her doctor's office.

Some days I still think that I am going to wake up and she will have been a dream.

On a much brighter and more completely random note, the hubbs and I have been having a lot of very interesting conversations lately about life, the universe and everything. Tonight we were driving around with a sleeping baby in the backseat talking about our soundtracks for life and it occurred to me that I am pleased to realize mine changes so often. Not as often as every week or two, but every couple of years I turn around and realize that it has changed. I think that is a great realization for me just because it makes me see that I have changed. My life has changed. My outlook has changed.

Without further ado I present my current life's soundtrack.

1. Send Me On My Way - Rusted Root
2. Carry You - Dispatch
3. Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen
4. Rolling In the Deep - Adele
5. Buffalo Girl - Chris Bathgate
6. Folkin' Around - The Weakerthans
7. Good Man - Josh Ritter
8. January Wedding - Avett Brothers
9. You've Got the Music In You - New Radicals
10. Northern Sky - Nick Drake
11. Mary - Pushstart Wagon
12. View From Heaven - Yellowcard
13. Sigh No More - Mumford and Sons
14. Best of You - Foo Fighters
15. Small Town Kid - Eli Young Band
16. Syrup and Honey - Duffy

There are others, but I am thinking you get the general picture. I am quite satisfied with the current soundtrack. It suits.

The hubbs is totally addicted to Medium right now and the wonderful people at Netflix have added it to the instant queue. Rock. What could make that rock harder? Glad you asked. Molly Ringwald is in this episode!

I don't know that I have much more to say... There is a Lions Club auction in town tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it! Such a great organization.

On that note I think I will get some rest. (Right after this episode is over!)

Sweet dreams and happy weekending!

14 April 2011

Here Comes the Sun

Da um da da. Here comes the sun and I say, it's all right.

It's a Beatles kind of day. My darling man woke up sick this morning and Lily woke up wild. Every day is an adventure around here. I have been fairly busy the last few days and it has been nice. I made a couple of pairs of pants for Lily and then whipped up some shirts to go with them. The shirts are now in the mail on the way to my friend Ashley to be monogrammed!

Yesterday I hung out and put together a quilt top for Lily or whoever comes next. Ok, well I finished all the blocks... Haven't sewn them all together yet, but I'm hoping to get that done today.

I'm so ready to move. I miss my family. Grrr... At least it is only about a month away.

The Hubbs just realized that he only has three weeks left of class. I hear this and I think, "Awesome!" Apparently this is a faulty assumption. He proceeded to inform me that three weeks of class left actually meant that he only had three weeks to finish teaching everything he needed to, grade a veritable mountain of essays, tests, and papers, and after that is completed put all those grades into the computer.

yeah yeah yeah

No. I'm kidding. It is a lot of work but I still think it is awesome that he is almost done. I have to pack our whole house, plan a birthday party, and play with an amazing kid. I totally have the better end of this deal. Don't get me wrong... I reserve the right to complain about the fact that packing never seems to end, but I know it's not so bad and it is completely worth it in the end.

On to the more bizarre, MobWives? Really? Really America? I seriously almost went into a coma and peed on my couch when I was innocently sitting here watching TV and saw a preview for a new reality show entitled MobWives. Rationally I know it would not be produced if people wouldn't watch it... that doesn't instill a lot of faith in America for me. It is apparently about women with "mob connected" husbands who are in jail. The tag line seems to be "The men do the crime. They do the time."

I think that's my only super qualm of the day.

I'm tempted to ignore packing and housework for the day in favor of buying lots of duct tape because I am having dress form envy. Thanks Rae.

07 April 2011

Life, Death, & Little Dresses

I absolutely adore my life. I love that I get to stay at home with my baby and watch her grow. I love that I am married to someone I don't just love, but also respect and genuinely like. I love that I don't have to like him all the time. I love having an awesome best friend who will tell me when I am being irrational or generally an ass. I love that I am close to my mom and dad. I love that my cats are weird and neurotic and love to cuddle.

I also love that my jaw aches from having my teeth cut out. I love that my husband hates his job. I love that my baby would NOT lay down for a nap today. I love that someone died and that made people dear to me sad. I love that my mom had a crap day at work. I love that I am fighting the battle of the fruit-fly in my kitchen as we speak. I love that my house is in major need of cleaning and that Lily's bed is in the living room because we can't put her in her room.

No... I'm not twisted... hear me out. It is awesome that my jaw hurts because that means I finally had dental insurance to go to the dentist. It is superfly that the hubbs hates his job because right now he HAS a job to hate, and we don't have to stay. I think everything my baby does is amazing because I am still amazed to have her. I am glad that my husband and brother-in-law had someone so wonderful in their lives when they were growing up that even though she is in an obviously better place they will miss her. Mom's crap day at work is another day that she's alive and on the phone and talking to me. I don't mind fruit-flies because I would rather have fruit-flies than not have any food. I love that my house is filthy because we have a house to live in, and it may irk me to have a crib in the living room, but we have a crib.

I forget sometimes that I am generally a happier person when I remember to keep things in the right perspective. Remembering that for every sucking thing there are at least 5 really awesome things helps.

Speaking of total awesomeness (which I was...?)

Monday the hubbs took Lily to work with him. Crazy right? Apparently she was a very good girl and Mommy took that opportunity to make her lots of fun things!

It seemed that as long as I could keep busy I didn't think about how bad my mouth hurt. I kept busy. Way busy.

Then Tuesday rolled right on around and I finally faced my fear of the ruffle. That's right. I am 27 years old and had never sewn a ruffle. Well, it didn't suck. I now wish to ruffle everything. I think I will.

Anywho... I tell you that to tell you this: I have made a deal with myself. I will only buy a new pattern once I have made 3 of the previously purchased pattern. I've been sewing a lot! Without further ado...

How's that for a ruffle? I was proud.

Soooo... today I made nothing except for a trip to Wal*Mart. Woot Wahoo... I did buy new pinking shears and a ton of tulle and ribbon and fabric and other things I "needed".

I must sleep. I only just realized it is ten of two and the hubbs is leaving at seven in the morning. Suck.

Good night! Sweet dreams!
Remember... It could suck worse... You could not have a sewing machine.

03 April 2011

Without Wisdom Teeth

Interestingly enough I have been doing a whole lot of nothing today because my mouth is still not quite cooperating! On the up most of up notes, the hubbs went to pick up Lily from her grandparents' house and it is nice to have her home. I know they have only been keeping her for three days, but I would swear that she is bigger and more coordinated than she was on Thursday night!
The only bummer about having her home is not being able to play. She's a little to rough and tumble for Mom's face right now! She is learning to pull up and keep her wobbly little legs under her and that is too much fun to watch. Daddy time seems to be pretty awesome as far as she is concerned at the moment, if that is any consolation.

I feel like I have been on the couch for a month. I miss my sewing machine. I may not be the world's most awesome seamstress, but I have a lot of fun with it! I am a little obsessed with a pattern that I got at You Can Make This a week or so ago. It is too easy and I have enough fabric to last a while... Why not, right?
It seems to me that when your baby is a "baby" everyone wants to buy clothes... then they hit about 10 months old and it is out with the clothes and in with the toys. That's fine. We have toys to our eyeballs... and a naked baby!

I've been making 12 and 18 month dresses and shirts because I have absolutely no clothes in that size and it irks me to buy something I can make.

I am loving this little pattern. It is so simple and takes next to no time to whip up. It helps that I adore things that are reversible. Sewing linings seems like wasted time to me because no one sees it. *irrational... i know*  Now that I have made a few of them I am ready to start playing around with applique and some trimmings and contrast panels, but I have to admit that absolutely nothing about this plain jane little dress bothers me. It's too cute just the way it is.

Well... I'm going to take my throbbing jaw to bed!

Have a fabulous night!

Good Morning!

Blog from necessity? Yeah... I had my wisdom teeth extracted on the 1st. It hurts to talk... So... If you can't talk then type!

I have been entertaining the idea of starting a new blog for a while now, but I never really had the time to set it all up. I am probably going to come out of my pain medicine induced haze and have to redo all of my settings and sidebars, and that's ok.

I wanted to do a blog for projects and new recipes. I wanted somewhere to post the cutie-pie things I am making for Lily and somewhere to share the awesome tutorials that other bloggers so generously post on their sites!

I am also starting on my big yearly project! This will be "Project Lily". I am going to do 12 projects in 12 months for Lily's bedroom. I am super excited about the projects I have picked out! I hope you like them too!

I'm off to eat some Jell-O and put some ice on my chipmunk cheeks!